From the caterpillar to a little butterfly who can finally fly.
We change when we realize that there must be another way. When our inner truth is so loud that we can’t find any more excuses or distractions to turn the volume down.
When I started my journey towards metamorphosis, I thought learning a few breathing techniques, a few alternative modalities, a handful of meditations and the chant of “OM” would straight away take me to transformation/awakening. And mind you I had read every possible soul-stirring self-help book. I imagined elegance and grace, leading me into a wonderful musical mosaic of all the ways my life would start to improve.
Real transformations are not like you see in the movies. They are far far from it. There is no mosaic, there is no music, there is no shortcut to the next scene in which we will somehow now be miraculously happy, at peace, or in love. We can’t fake it. We can’t skip the middle. We can’t yell, “Cut!”
For me there has been a lot of crying; a ton of confusion and doubt and questions and shock; the messy middle and feeling terrified in the middle of the night and that body issue that for sure got cleared up in therapy but was then rearing its ugly head…again and again. There was the wondering if anyone else ever felt like that, and, if they did, why weren’t they ever talking about it? There was this deep-seated conditioning that got unearthed, leaving me wondering what the hell I believed/wanted/knew/felt then.
My heart kept breaking and was being pieced back together again at the same time. It felt like all the parts of ME were at war. It felt like I was caught between this person I wanted to be and the person I was right there (who was a complete mess!). I felt wretched one minute and was on cloud nine the next. Sometimes, it just felt sloooooooow.
And then there was a softening where there was once a hard place. There were moments that felt like I was being hit by a ton of bricks and knocked over by a feather at the same time. And in the middle came a flash of a fresh perspective that shifted my entire world on its axis, a rush of love to the heart that made me grab my chest and breath, someone telling me that I mattered, an old wound that finally, finally healed. Something released……..and the path took to surrender.
I was torn open. All the ugly stuff, the shameful stuff, the secrets, the dreams that were never had a voice, the relationships that imprisoned me, the words left unsaid……were all exposed. They were a mirror I couldn’t turn away from, even in my ugliest, most tattered night suit. They forced me to get real, to get honest, to get transparent. This metamorphosis helped me ARRIVE….to my deepest place of love and compassion; to my inner wisdom: to accepting myself and loving others; to the place where I am in full trust of who and what I am; to my shattered places and so much more.
Today, I realize I have been cleansed, blessed, and prepared. I understand that those dark nights of the soul were an opening for my raw truth to claw its way out. I am humbled that my greatest pain has now become my biggest teacher.
I have come to the truth of who I am …. I have stopped contorting; stopped making excuses; stopped lying to myself that I am satisfied when I am not; stopped believing that all the beautiful experiences in life are reserved for other people.
The metamorphosis allowed me to realize all the ways I made myself small. All the ways I tried to fit myself into other people’s rules, limitations, and beliefs. All the ways I had rejected myself and not honored my own wisdom.
There has been no magic or miracles but just a journey towards having faith in my existence….towards acceptance…..towards awareness and towards being comfortable with my own self.
This date, when I enter a new phase of life, I seek blessings and best wishes from each one of you. Please keep me in your prayers. Heartful gratitude to each one of you.